Tips for Surviving and Coping with the Holidays When You’re Not Pregnant

Tips for Surviving and Coping with the Holidays When You’re Not Pregnant

Sarah Rivers Deal, PhD, LPC

By Sarah Rivers Deal, Ph.D.


The holidays are a time we tell ourselves we should be happy, we should be grateful. However, for those entering this season with empty arms, the numerous child-focused celebrations are a constant reminder of what’s missing; a deep, unrelenting void where the child wish resides.
Grace Rao and I had the honor of facilitating RPC Austin’s first virtual infertility psychotherapy group that ended last month, and we asked group participants as well as individual clients that struggle with infertility and/or pregnancy loss to contribute, and here is what these courageous women in the trenches shared. As the author, I have taken the liberty of combining common themes and expanding on various suggestions. 



Tip 1:

Give yourself permission to hit the eject button, informing people you care about that it’s a possibility you may decide to not attend or to leave early. If you want to share holiday host etiquette suggestions, I recommend checking out grief coach Sarah Nannen’s website below.


Tip 2:

Set better boundaries. Pleasing others at the expense of your own well-being is a losing prospect. “No” is a complete sentence. 


Tip 3:

Have your designated wingman if you do attend a holiday event. Let this person know you need them to check in on you, what to look for if you’re in distress, and how to respond to you. If your wingman can’t be there in person, have them on speed dial. 


Tip 4:

Wear an object that is symbolic to you, representing what’s been lost and how you honor your grief during this challenging season. This is referred to as a “grounding object,” which may anchor you during the storm. 


Tip 5: 

Do something for yourself. For example, go on a trip, something you don’t typically do, possibly creating a new tradition. Do anything to help yourself feel less stuck in a rut. 


Tip 6:

Make space for your grief. What you resist, persists, and finds a way out somehow. Don’t let the business of the season rob your truth. All those struggling with infertility are grieving parents. 


Tip 7:

Do what brings you joy. And if that feels impossible to do, that’s okay too. 


Tip 8:

Contribute to the well-being of another. In the darkest of hours, being the light for someone else can help heal ourselves. 



Recommended resources for further support:

The National Infertility Association  - resolve.org
Austin Share: Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support – austinshare.org
Sarah Nannen – grief coach - sarahnannen.com 




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They may have sacrificed tremendous time, energy, and spent the reserves of their emotional and financial resources to try to conceive. They may have given birth and held a dead baby in their arms. The legacy of their losses becomes their new reality, and they must learn to navigate the world with the constant presence of someone’s absence. This, my friends, is unfair. Isolation. Infertility and/or pregnancy loss is often a silent struggle. Research reports that women who are struggling to become mothers experience increased feelings of anxiety, depression, isolation, shame, guilt, and loss of control. Depression levels in people with infertility have even been compared with patients who have been diagnosed with cancer, and couples tend to report that infertility or pregnancy loss have been the “most difficult” events in their lives thus far. This silent sorority of women is estimated to affect 1 in 8 couples (or 12% of married) who struggle to get pregnant or sustain a pregnancy (Rooney & Domar, 2018). That’s roughly the size California, folks! And yet, we don’t talk about it enough, and that’s especially true for men. Sadly, when these discussions do come up, well intended yet uninformed family, friends, or coworkers can say thoughtless, hurtful comments. This can further the cycle of silence. Grief/Loss. If you wonder what that constant tension is in your body, that heavy feeling that sits on your chest – it’s grief. Feelings of anger, depression, anxiety, fear – all different colors of grief expressed. Loss is ever present in the stories of those struggling to create their families, and it doesn’t just disappear when a baby arrives. 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